I’ve talked about how I started cooking at Feenie’s but I’ve never talked about when I left Feenie’s. It is time to talk about it now.

I started on Garde Manger, then went to Grill, then Pasta, then finally to Entremat and I had my eye on the Meat station. Kyle was ahead of me and he had just gotten moved to meats, and I had been there over a year, so I felt it would be a natural progression for me to go to that station within the next 6 months. The last 9 months we had been operating without a chef, Bryan and some other sous chefs had been keeping things together, doing the ordering and such, but it was kind of a free for all. There was lots of crazy shit going down. Then we got a new chef.

When I heard he was coming I was so excited, I always wanted a chef. Someone I could ask questions to, and learn from, someone who could recommend a place for me to go after Feenie’s. I don’t know what it was, maybe I creeped him out by how stoked I was to finally have a chef, but from the first day I felt funny. As soon as he got there I was glazing pearl onions and I asked him how to do it. I didn’t really understand what I was doing or what the desired result was supposed to be so I asked. So happy to finally ask a pro. I don’t remember what he said, but he wasn’t happy. I thought nothing of it, but then it all went down hill. So many things would happen everyday that would make me feel so powerless and frustrated.

He would yell at only me during service, everything I would do would be wrong. I would make sure to do it the exact same as the other entemat guys, and it was good when they would do it but it was bad when I would do it. I was so frustrated not being able to understand or fix what was wrong. After service on the back loading dock all the guys who were like family to me would look at me pitifully and laugh and say, “Oooh he’s got it in for you, he’s old school, he does not like women in the kitchen.”

“No,” I said shocked. “That can’t be it, he wouldn’t be like that, he’s nice to the other girls.”

“The other girls are on pastry, he’s just not having you.”

That blew my mind and I still didn’t believe them, then more bad stuff happened. I checked the schedule and he had re-scheduled me to garde-manger and brunch grill shifts. I had already put my time in on both those stations already and was trying to move up and forward. I thought that he must just want to make sure I could do the other stations. I worked them for that week and the next and I did a good job. Then I went and talked to him to tell him that I’ve already worked all the stations except meat and that I’d like to go back to entremat because it took me a long time to get there and that some day I want to do the meat station so that I can leave having done all the stations. He didn’t say anything.

The thing that made it so much more devastating was that all my guy friends felt bad for me, but he was being so great to them. He’s joking around with them and giving them promotions. There was nothing they could do plus it wasn’t their problem. I didn’t know what to do. He called some of the guys over to talk about a menu idea and when I came over too he sent me away and said that I was always wanting to know everything but that nothing was any of my business. Another time one of the guys was sweeping up a mess during prep and he took the broom out of his hand and gave it to me, and quietly said to me so that only I could hear, “When you’re around I don’t want to see any of these guys with a broom.”
I swept, I had never felt so trapped and frustrated. A couple of weeks later when I asked him again about the meat station he told me I was never going to be on it. I new I couldn’t win so I had to leave, the guys told me it was a good choice. I was so mad and sad and everything. It felt like the time I put in was taken from me, I was so close to working all of the stations and leaving there with my goal fulfilled. I felt like I was leaving without finishing what I started, but I had to. I wrote a good letter of resignation talking about how the job has meant so much to me and how Bryan and Kyle have been my mentors. I asked them and he never passed on the nice things I said in the letter.

I’ve never talked about this because I think girls who bitch about inequality in the kitchen just can’t stand the heat. I don’t think about it in terms of girls and boys I think about it in terms of good people and bad people or something like that. I just want to get it off my chest so I can put it to rest. This blog is supposed to document Crust in the kitchen, and this happened, so it’s part of me piecing together my story.

One of my favorite black foods. It is a little bit sweet, a little bit fishy. After we cryovaced it we walked around the kitchen asking people what they see in the ink blot, and then told them they were crazy.. Squid ink is a really cool ingredient, under utilized as far as I’m concerned. I’m excited about it.

The Charcuterie at Boneta is always changing and it is always wonderful. It is the meat guys responsibility to keep the charcuterie coming and right now that guy is Scotty DIcks. Pictured here is some of his incredible work, that got sent to us after our last graveyard shift. The oval one is soppressata, a pork salami, with chili flakes that has been pressed and dry cured. Also on there is the land jager, a pork/beef sausage that has been dry cured. The last is sauccison sec, a simple dry cured pork sausage. We also received the duck liver pate that I made. Everything on the board, including the board is house made, the bread and the mustard and the pickles. The salt and the butter aren’t house made. I think we should make the butter in house. The charcuterie is always different, so you never know what you’re going to get.

This is the place I am subletting, it has different patterns and colors everywhere. In the shot of the bathroom sink there is some beautiful home made, fresh grass scented soap that Kyle’s mom Jody made. Cherry blossoms line the front of the building which is nice to have so many pink trees so close. I also try and recognize any bad patterns that begin to form in my life and take steps to make positive change. It’s important to keep things fresh, like your perspective and to renew your beliefs, and goals.

Here’s a safety pin, pop that shit and get back to work, we’re doing 300 covers tonight.
Chopped the tip of your thumb off with a clever eh? You can go get some stitches but be back before service.

I had been taking it for granted how amazing the staff meals are at Boneta. I remember one of the first times I staged there and I thought it was so crazy that they plated staff meal. At Feenie’s and Chow it was just left family style on the pass. At Boneta who ever makes staff has to count how many people are eating and plate it for everyone. The staff meals were always so good. There were so many times I wish I would have gotten a picture of the staff meal at Boneta because people wouldn’t believe how good we eat. I just started to take some pics. Above is a moist pulled pork sandwich with a big slice of cheese and house made BBQ sauce on ciabatta that Paul baked just for staff, the tender yellow inside of the savoy cabbage made into coleslaw and house made chips.
It is also amazing to have a real Japanese on line who makes us the best Japanese staff meals. The other day Satoshi made the best miso soup of my life. Pictured above is his Okonomiyaki, a delicious savory pancake, it was so good. He also makes the best curries and Paul makes amazing quiches.

Oh yeah the whole point of my story is that I didn’t even think much of all this until I went to San Francisco and was let down by the staff meals there. Coi wasn’t bad, it was family style on the pass, and some days were better than others, but it was always the same chicory scraps salad, there was noodle caboodle a couple times. There was also a really good Italian bread soup one day and some good ribs another day. Ubuntu was fucking terrible for staff. I should have got a picture because it was unbelievable but they served me some meat on actual wonder bread with ketchup and mustard and they opened a bag of Doritos and some other potato chips. It was all just sitting on the pass and I was shocked. I was in a vegetable restaurant that had it’s own farm, how could this even be possible. I sat down and tried to fold my wonder bread in half and the soggy meat melted the bread and the whole thing disintegrated in my hands and fell apart. I didn’t eat any chips, I just sat there feeling sad.

Staff meal is very important. At Feenie’s everyone was scheduled different days to make staff meals, and you were judged by your peers on staff meal. This is as it should be. Not actually judged but people see what you put up and they think things. I remember my first staff meal. I had just started to get used to working at Feenie’s and Kyle came up to my station and said, “I’ve got some good news and I’ve got some bad news. Which one do you want to hear first?”
“The bad news?” I said.
“The the bad news is that you’re on staff meal…”
My jaw dropped.
“The good news is that I’m going to help you.”
“Oh thank god.” I said. “What should I do?”
I had never even cooked dinner at home growing up, how would I cook for 15 cooks? My parents never got me to help them in the kitchen, so I never learned to cook basic home food.
“We have ground beef so you should make bolognese.” Kyle said.
He told me what I would need and got me going on it, he took me through step by step.
He told me I would need a big pot to cook the pasta. I had been reading about big pot blanching, and some other italian books that were talking about using a big enough pot for the amount of pasta. Having no concept of how much pasta would be needed for 15 people, and also having no common sense, I got a massive stock pot on the six pack. Then I waited. Staff meal had to be up between 4:30 and 5 and the thing didn’t even begin to boil until 5:15, then I had to cook the pasta and I honestly don’t remember how we strained it, but there’s no doubt it was a struggle. Waiting for that pot to boil was so intense for me, I was freaking out looking at the clock, I had two sheet pans on top of it trying to cover it. Staff was finally up at 5:30 and I felt like such an idiot.

Then there was the time I had the idea to make beef stew and some of the guys were laughing at me because it was summer and 30 degrees out. That was before I even had a concept of seasonal cooking.

There was also the time I made stir fry and rice, or “stir boil and rice crispies” as they called it. I over crowded the pan a boiled the shit out of it and my rice was a little under. I also completely forgot to put the chicken in and Kyle and Bryan were like, “Yum, vegetarian staff meal, I love vegetarian staff meal, just vegetables, I don’t need meat, who needs protein, I won’t be hungry in an hour, good work Crust.”
Again I was embarrassed. But that is how you learn.

At least I never made “noodle caboodle” which was what we called it when someone would make a shitty pasta with scraps and no love or skill. Bryan would always say, “MMmmm noodle caboodle, very creative and so well executed, good work.” So sarcastic.

I figure planning ahead is the key to a good staff meal. And I hate to say it but I totally judge a cook on their staff meals.

I really like the taste and look of this stuff, it grew wild everywhere in San Francisco. They used it on the menu at Coi and would pick it fresh everyday from around town.
It tastes sour and fresh, and so do the flowers which you can eat as well. It is also called Oxalis. I’m not sure if it grows here or not but it seems like it should.